Just another venting post

Hello World,

I am back once again. I'm positive nobody reads this which is why I am going to start venting on here. It won't make sense to most, but it is just something I need to get off my chest. I don't understand why I feel better when I vent online instead of friends, but I do. First it was Facebook, but then I realized I didn't like venting publicly where a lot of people could see it. Then I went to twitter for a while cause at the time nobody I knew followed me, but then more friends were on my twitter. Now I am here typing my real feelings. That happiness everyone sees over 50% of the time its fake. Sometimes it's real and I am actually happy but most times I put a smile on so others will too. Depression sucks nobody wants to feel it, yet we all do. Some more than others, and some refuse to see their own depression and make a fake world where depression doesn't exist  I am one of those people. I hate being upset, but yet I feel it all the time. I ignore it but then it bubbles inside and when a bad day comes, it all explodes. Its worse around the things that make you the most upset. From relationships to family, it all is buried somewhere. In my case it is more relationships plus friendship. I never feel like I am actually the friend I want to be. I always want to be the friend you can always go to or be the first one on the list to know something exciting in their life, but in actuality I feel like the friend who is desperate for friendship, who tries too hard. That annoying friend we all have that we love but at the same time can't stand and only want to deal with them every once in a while. I always feel like that friend but I will never admit it. Which makes things awkward when you accidentally invite yourself with those friends because you don't want to be alone. You hate being alone but will never tell anyone. I think that's part of the reason I am online so much. Even though I am not face to face with someone, there is still some social interaction. It makes zero sense though because all I do is stay in my room unless I go to dinner, or one of my friends wants to make a Wal-Mart run. I am that friend who will always go along because it is some form of social interaction. I HATE being alone, but I won't tell you that. I am afraid of being alone. I don't trust myself when I am alone.

I sometimes feel like I am a piece of thread that keeps fraying and one day it will just snap. What will happen if I do snap. That's what scares me. I get these upsetting thoughts in my head and thoughts I never knew possible for myself but then I turn to my weakness, food. Of course it would be something that always makes you feel bad, and now I am at the point where I want to do things I know that are bad after I eat or when I feel bad about myself. Which lately had been a lot. What is going on with me, is my brain malfunctioning? Do I secretly want the attention? Am I sick but can't realize it? It scares me. I am lucky I have the will power and strength to tell myself no, but how long can I keep that up. I have never felt this bad before. I don't know whats going on.

Here comes the part all of the fat girls go through....boy problems. I am that girl who has no problem talking to boys, but I talk to the wrong ones. I either become the sister you go to for girl problems, the faghag, or the annoying one. It sucks! No twenty year old girl wants to say she's never had a boyfriend. I use to say I had never been kissed either, but then one stupid night I fooled myself. Of course he was not only drunk but he was high and I might have been a tad tipsy, but I, being that girl who wanted to feel like she might be attractive and not just a fat girl believed that he was sober. I couldn't help myself, he was attractive and flirty and those butterflies I wanted to feel were there. But of course it was all a forgotten memory that only I will remember and when he found out..regrets. Is it so much to ask for someone who is not online and only sees my face or a really goo picture of me, think I might be attractive or a girl you can ask out? Apparently not, I am just that annoying and obnoxious girl. What is so bad about trying to be bubbly or happy?  Granted I am a naturally loud person, but I can't help it? I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.

I don't try to invite myself, it just happens. It goes back to the being alone thing. It makes me feel pathetic  But that does me no good because secretly your friends want to say no you can't come or take a hint, you weren't invited. You soon become a third wheel or a fifth wheel and it gets awkward. You miss the hints of go away we want to be alone. I'm sorry I feel awkward when I do stuff like that. Then you come home feeling like shit and it begins the cycle again. Why can't I feel happy again? I used to have little to no concerns for these kinds of things, but now I feel like I am a roller coaster but with the unexpected ups and downs. Why?! I JUST WANNA FEEL NORMAL AGAIN!

I am so tired of feeling like this. I feel alone and I won't tell anyone, even though secretly I want them to ask. I want to do bad things to my body, but I won't. One day it's not going to be enough. My brain will go on overload and the emotions will all come out and I will be a trainwreck. I am scared for that day. I need a new hobby. Maybe writing will help. I want to write a short story and vent from there. I really wish I could tell people how I feel sometimes, but it's either pathetic or I sound mentally unstable. Sometimes I feel like I am mentally unstable. How am I supposed to finish college and teach if I am unstable?

I have never felt this bad before and I don't know why now. I used to think it was PMS but then it became a frequent thing. I really don't like it and sometimes I wish people would see my cry for help, but for now I will fake a smile when I need to and lie if they ask if I am ok. I don't want to admit to anyone that I have been depressed lately because depression is something I don't handle well. I am just ready to be my happy self again. I never had to fake it this much. All I know is that I can't give up. I may not feel like I have a lot right now,  but giving up is not the answer. I couldn't deal with the pain I know I would cause if I gave up. I don't think I could do it anyway. I don't feel suicidal, I just feel empty. If anyone does read this, I promise I won't ever do something like that, I am to chicken to. I hate guns, am scared of knives, I hate pills, and I am a wimp. It's actually a good thing that I am not feeling that bad, because finding a way would actually be hard for me.

Maybe if I just read my bible and really listen in church tomorrow God will tell me something. That's all I'm asking is some sort of sign that this will change. It's time to go though. It is now 6AM and I am not tired at all. I have to be up at the latest 5hrs from now, but it will be at least 30minutes before my brain shuts down. I am going to stop though or I won't get any sleep at all and that will be a problem. I hope that nobody reads this, but if you do, ignore most of it. I am tired of bitching and whining to those who know me, so I vent in a place nobody looks. I will be ok, it just might take a little bit to get back.

I'm back again

Hello world,

So it's been like 4 months since my last post, I know I'm not sure why I have one of these either sometimes lol. Anyway a lot...well not really a lot has happened since then.
 April:  The official Virtual Choir 3 video came out that I partcipated in :) Can't wait for the next one, I pretty much LOVVVVE his music :)

                                                                   

Then I did my 2nd Relay for Life and walked 125 laps :) I am hooked on Relays and now I have even more of a reason to do them, love you Aunt Mae.

 Later on I started a HUGE graphic design project and I am still working on it, speaking of I am pretty darn close to being done so after this I'm going to work on it again. 

Did I mention I officially became a house renter(rentee maybe idk and i dont care lol) Anyway ya I'll get to that later :) 

May: I got another job starting in the fall...yay desk jobs. 

I saw The Cab and got to meet them...good band but the lead singer was a douche.

Had my second jury out of many and rocked it. I didn't get all A's but I got B's and that is a lot better than the 2 B's and 3 C's my first time...ya being sick during your first jry sucks.

Finished my Freshman year in college...boy was that an adventure and I'm still learning 

Did my first beauty pageant thing didn't win but I had fun and got free tickets to my favorite race of the year.

Met two of my favorite dirt track racers, Jimmy Owens and Tyler Reddick :)

June: Went to my first drag boat race, was ok but I def prefer dirt track )

Started summer classes as a Sophmore...eek I'm already feeling old.

Moved into my first house :) I love it 

Threw a small party at my house...what a fun night

Got a new doggie....shes adorable and basically loves me :)

Went to another Relay and although I didn't walk as much, I helped raise almost $25,000 just by watching kids bounce in a bounce house and collect their money :)  

Now it is July and I am currently at home doing nothing but I am about to work on the project again :) If all goes well, I will become a published graphic designer...eeek!!! If only I had time,  would totally minor in graphic design. Anyway so I guess its time to get to work.

Going back to my other house tomorrow and another week of school...bleck.

Goodnight world :)

Currently Listening to: Look with Your Heart from Love Never Dies :)

Rant Here...Rant There

Hello World,

Yes today is a rant post. Currently I am working on a research paper for my sociology class that I normally wouldn't have a problem with, except for the fact that we're on spring break. I mean come on it's called a break for a reason. Sometimes I wonder if these professors think it is fun to screw with us...oh wait they do.

On a fun note, I have discovered my family is a bunch of plan ahead people. I thought it was just my mom and I, but when I got home Friday, all my little brothers were talking about was what they were buying with their Christmas money. Seeing as how we don't do presents for Christmas, but we do money instead and go shopping the day after Christmas, it's almost understandable. Nut here's the thing....it's March. They crack me up...ever since my aunt got a hot tub, that is all my 17 year old brother wants and he wants the other 2 to go in on it. But today, mom and I got to talking, and we thought instead of going shopping for Christmas, we should try to go on a cruise. There is only one problem with that, we are both poor college kids. I have a small part time job and I am lucky if I make more than $250 a month and she is lucky to even find a shift since she is a PRN right now. Of course we are both doing lots of research and it is possible if we both save about $200 a month from now on but this will probably end up being a next year thing. But nevertheless, I am excited about this :)

Anyway, things have been going so-so. I am halfway through my second semester of college and I of course hate my grades, but the ones I am doing worst in have the least points put up. Both of them have about 5 things each on the grading scale. I do not wanna go see my advisor because of this. He is kind of a jerk and this is going to make him flip shiz. What can you do though. I need to just keep working, keep my head held high, and keep looking forward.

Oh I forgot to mention, I saw my kids Tuesday. No, I do not have actual children, I mean my elementary kids. Story is, I went to my old school Tuesday and stayed pretty much all day. Crazy, I know, guess I love that place too much. Anyway, I pretty much observed all of the music classes and helped my old choir. Sad news is, they have completely given up. No one wants to participate, they don't believe in themselves, and they don't get along. Don't get me wrong, everythng wasn't perfect last year, but it wasn't this bad. It made me sad, but of course I still love them and am doing whatever I can to go to their concert. Even though I know it will probably be a disaster. Alright back to my kids. I found out that the elementary kids were 2nd and 5th graders that day and the now second graders were the kids I became very attached to last year as the aide and I was so excited to see them. I heard them walking in and they knew that I was there when the teacher said we had a guest. Seeing some of the reactions made me so happy cause most of them remembered me and it was just great. I seriously wanted to find a time machine so I could be the teacher. At this point, I don't even know how long it will take me to finish school. Hopefully not too long cause I don't have the patience. Anyway, just being there tat day, made me very excited about what I am doing with my life and it made me sure about things again.

I am so not ready to go back Sunday, nor a I ready for these auditions. I know my music, but I am just afraid of screwing up and having a very negative lessons teacher can really bring you down. I just have to go in with all the confidence in the world, show them what I have, and kick butt.

Well it is 4 am now and I really need to sleep. Plus I am freezing right now.

Good Night world!

Currently listening to: Who are the Brave-United Air Force Singing Sergeants.

Procrastination at its Finest

Hello Word,

If you can't tell, I am currently procrastinating. I have a theory worksheet due tomorrow morning as well as some math assignment. The math I will probably get done within 30 mins and I'm probably going to do the work for tomorrow, Wednesday, AND Friday. Overachiever...nah more like its freaking order of operations. A fifth grader could do it. Theory on the other hand, KILL ME NOW. It's not like its ridiculously hard, it's just stuff I do not like. Yay homework :/

Time to be positive. I went to my hometown's homecoming game Friday. Yes, we have homecoming in January because football is non-existent in my rural town. Anyway, it was an amazing game for both boys and girls. I've never cheered so loud and broke so many MHSSA crowd rules. I also got to sing the anthem with my former choir and I can definitely tell my voice has grown. It was great. Although, that night I almost lost my voice from cheering. Shh...don't tell my voice teacher :) I really do need to learn how to cheer on my team w/o screaming though its really bad. I also am getting excited for the MMEA conference starting Wednesday evening. It's going to be so awesome :)

Update on the hw: I got theory done, but I will def not be doing extra math. It is 12:30 and I have to do the math and I haven't started. NO MORE PROCRASTINATION!!!

Goodnight World

Currently Listening to : O magnum mysterium- Chamber Choir of Europe

New Semester, New Adventures

Hello World!

Today was the first day of the new semester and so far I might actually like it. I also only had 5 out of my 10 classes. This is going to be a busy semester though. 17 credit hours which in my case equals 10 classes, my job at the CDR, NAfME, practice time and study time. This doesn't include the co-ed music fraternity, Mu Phi, that I am rushing for, a possible apprenticeship at a conservatory and the other things I always do. I have officially entered the world of the no life for music majors. I think I'll like it though, except for math and theory...UCK! I have a feeling it will be great though.

So I got a new roommate and it is GREAT! She is also a vocal music ed major and even though she doesn't have theory this semester, she still might be able to help me :) We also are both choir nerds and can compare music. We spent like 2 hrs today just listening to some of our favorite choral pieces. It was great! Now I might actually practice more :)

As for the apprenticeship , my lessons teacher actually suggested. She is a teacher at the local music conservatory and they have a program where you can work there and get the experience of working at a music business. I would be observing lessons, helping at lessons, teaching BASIC theory, helping with the marketing and much more. It is a great opportunity and it could really help me prepare for teaching, my theory skills, my business skills, and it will look great on my resume. The best thing is since I don't have a car, my lessons teacher is willing to take me with her since she goes over there after my lesson. It also can turn into a paid internship. How awesome is that!?

Speaking of awesome, next week will be AWESOME! I am going to a music educators conference that pretty much anyone who is interested in music wants to go to. It is going to be amazing 4 days of workshops, concerts, and new people. I have to miss 2 days of classes, but over half of them will be cancelled cause the whole music department shuts down so every one can go. I am so excited!

Anyway, I need sleep so that is all for now. I hope this will be great.

Nighty Night :)

Currently Listening to: America The Beautiful- West Central All-District Choirs (ahh memories)

It's been a while!

Hello World!

It's been close to a year since I last blogged. WOW! I'm not sure why I stopped cause I really kinda liked it, even though a lot of my posts were silly/pointless but sometimes that's how I am. I read all of my posts and almost all of them were about my music adventures and even in one post was about my decision on becoming a music teacher. It brought back all of my amazing high school memories. So much has happened since then and I don't regret one thing...except for sleeping in my math class pretty much every time now I have to retake it. Lesson learned: If you know that class will be one of your worst classes and its a morning class, DON'T sit in the back row against the wall. A quick summary of what's happened since the last time I blogged.

I got a II at state with my largest music competition audience :)

I graduated Cum Laude with a 3.6 :)

I received $2000 in local scholarships and a $200 music scholarship :)

I was one of the founders of a local organization that helped raised over $2500 for Joplin and we were able to donate BIG boxes full of clothes, toys, food, toiletries, etc. :)

I got my first real job at the local state park. Loved/hated it. :)

I went to a choir and theory camp and met a ton of people and are pretty good friends with all of them. :)

Participated in the local Relay for Life and walked 110 laps :)

Started college at MSU with 15 credit hours but like 7 classes :)

Ended up getting a new roommate that was the polar opposite as me :)

Got a job at a Dispute-Resolution Center on campus and I LOVE it :)

Became friends with all of the girls on the floor and I love them to death :)

Discovered how much I prefer the small-town life :)

Joined an awesome Music Educators organization called NAfME :)

Became an active volunteer and participated in several volunteer activities, including a trip to Joplin.

Discovered my love of band....I WILL learn to play some sort of instrument :)

Grew a love/hate relationship with music theory but I passed so it's not a ton of hate :)

Did my first practicum and definitely realized I am in the right career path even if those kids were terror children :)

Joined 2 campus ministries and became closer to God :) :)

Made a TON of new friends :)

Went to my first actual concert :)

My roommate ended up moving to another room cause our differences collided, but we are still good friends :)

Had a tough first semester but managed to end up with a 3.09 GPA and I only have to retake one class because this girl is a dummy and slept through most of it.

Decided if Music Ed doesn't work for me, I will become an elementary teacher...but I don't think I will be switching majors.

Got a new roommate who is also a music major and sounds like shes a lot like me...I get to meet her tomorrow :)

I think that's about it. A lot of this is pointless info that nobody really cares about but this is mainly for me cause one day I will go back and read these and just think of all the memories :) Besides, I don't think anyone is reading these so it will be A-OK :)

Now I need to finish packing up. I am going back to the dorms tomorrow and starting a new semester Tuesday :) I am oddly excited about the new semester even though I am taking 17 credit hours with a total of 9 classes...eek! It'll be great though. Well I need to quit procrastinating...that's my main goal for this new year is quit procrastinating :)

Good Night World!

Currently listening to Hide and Seek-The Kings Singers (LOVE them)

Life Just Keeps Getting Better

Hello World!

Many good things have happened this week and I still have tomorrow. To start off, I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the MSU Music Department. Let me tell you, I was shaking just holding it. After staring at it for about 10 minutes, I finally opened it and a postcard fell out...i read 9 words and started screaming, shaking even more, and jumping. I had got in! The postcard said, I commit to being a music major at Missouri State or there was the I do not commit to being a music major at Missouri State.

I finally read the letter and it said I was accepted based on my vocal audition. Bad thing though, but also a good thing is, I have to go to theory camp or study hard to pass the test at SOAR. I am going to another camp now, because 1. I don't have to take the entrance test again if I go. and 2. I will meet more music majors. :) What I don't like is that its about $150 dollars more I have to spend. I am going to be a broke college kid before college starts. Now in the fall, I will automatically be in their Collegiate Choir and I will get to audition for their other choirs. I am so excited.

I also registered for Freshman Orientation at MSU(there goes another $120) and I will get to meet my roommate that day. Summer can't come any sooner. Speaking of summer, the weather here feels like summer. It is AWESOME. Today it was 83 all day and tomorrow its supposed to be 90 :) I love spring.

Last thing before I go. tomorrow well today is large ensemble contest! I am so excited and I think we'll do great. After that I have 3 or 4 choir performances left....its depressing but I'm ready for college level choir stuff.

Enjoy the spring :)

Currently Listening to: California Girls parody- Thecomputernerd01 on Youtube :)