Just another venting post

Hello World,

I am back once again. I'm positive nobody reads this which is why I am going to start venting on here. It won't make sense to most, but it is just something I need to get off my chest. I don't understand why I feel better when I vent online instead of friends, but I do. First it was Facebook, but then I realized I didn't like venting publicly where a lot of people could see it. Then I went to twitter for a while cause at the time nobody I knew followed me, but then more friends were on my twitter. Now I am here typing my real feelings. That happiness everyone sees over 50% of the time its fake. Sometimes it's real and I am actually happy but most times I put a smile on so others will too. Depression sucks nobody wants to feel it, yet we all do. Some more than others, and some refuse to see their own depression and make a fake world where depression doesn't exist  I am one of those people. I hate being upset, but yet I feel it all the time. I ignore it but then it bubbles inside and when a bad day comes, it all explodes. Its worse around the things that make you the most upset. From relationships to family, it all is buried somewhere. In my case it is more relationships plus friendship. I never feel like I am actually the friend I want to be. I always want to be the friend you can always go to or be the first one on the list to know something exciting in their life, but in actuality I feel like the friend who is desperate for friendship, who tries too hard. That annoying friend we all have that we love but at the same time can't stand and only want to deal with them every once in a while. I always feel like that friend but I will never admit it. Which makes things awkward when you accidentally invite yourself with those friends because you don't want to be alone. You hate being alone but will never tell anyone. I think that's part of the reason I am online so much. Even though I am not face to face with someone, there is still some social interaction. It makes zero sense though because all I do is stay in my room unless I go to dinner, or one of my friends wants to make a Wal-Mart run. I am that friend who will always go along because it is some form of social interaction. I HATE being alone, but I won't tell you that. I am afraid of being alone. I don't trust myself when I am alone.

I sometimes feel like I am a piece of thread that keeps fraying and one day it will just snap. What will happen if I do snap. That's what scares me. I get these upsetting thoughts in my head and thoughts I never knew possible for myself but then I turn to my weakness, food. Of course it would be something that always makes you feel bad, and now I am at the point where I want to do things I know that are bad after I eat or when I feel bad about myself. Which lately had been a lot. What is going on with me, is my brain malfunctioning? Do I secretly want the attention? Am I sick but can't realize it? It scares me. I am lucky I have the will power and strength to tell myself no, but how long can I keep that up. I have never felt this bad before. I don't know whats going on.

Here comes the part all of the fat girls go through....boy problems. I am that girl who has no problem talking to boys, but I talk to the wrong ones. I either become the sister you go to for girl problems, the faghag, or the annoying one. It sucks! No twenty year old girl wants to say she's never had a boyfriend. I use to say I had never been kissed either, but then one stupid night I fooled myself. Of course he was not only drunk but he was high and I might have been a tad tipsy, but I, being that girl who wanted to feel like she might be attractive and not just a fat girl believed that he was sober. I couldn't help myself, he was attractive and flirty and those butterflies I wanted to feel were there. But of course it was all a forgotten memory that only I will remember and when he found out..regrets. Is it so much to ask for someone who is not online and only sees my face or a really goo picture of me, think I might be attractive or a girl you can ask out? Apparently not, I am just that annoying and obnoxious girl. What is so bad about trying to be bubbly or happy?  Granted I am a naturally loud person, but I can't help it? I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.

I don't try to invite myself, it just happens. It goes back to the being alone thing. It makes me feel pathetic  But that does me no good because secretly your friends want to say no you can't come or take a hint, you weren't invited. You soon become a third wheel or a fifth wheel and it gets awkward. You miss the hints of go away we want to be alone. I'm sorry I feel awkward when I do stuff like that. Then you come home feeling like shit and it begins the cycle again. Why can't I feel happy again? I used to have little to no concerns for these kinds of things, but now I feel like I am a roller coaster but with the unexpected ups and downs. Why?! I JUST WANNA FEEL NORMAL AGAIN!

I am so tired of feeling like this. I feel alone and I won't tell anyone, even though secretly I want them to ask. I want to do bad things to my body, but I won't. One day it's not going to be enough. My brain will go on overload and the emotions will all come out and I will be a trainwreck. I am scared for that day. I need a new hobby. Maybe writing will help. I want to write a short story and vent from there. I really wish I could tell people how I feel sometimes, but it's either pathetic or I sound mentally unstable. Sometimes I feel like I am mentally unstable. How am I supposed to finish college and teach if I am unstable?

I have never felt this bad before and I don't know why now. I used to think it was PMS but then it became a frequent thing. I really don't like it and sometimes I wish people would see my cry for help, but for now I will fake a smile when I need to and lie if they ask if I am ok. I don't want to admit to anyone that I have been depressed lately because depression is something I don't handle well. I am just ready to be my happy self again. I never had to fake it this much. All I know is that I can't give up. I may not feel like I have a lot right now,  but giving up is not the answer. I couldn't deal with the pain I know I would cause if I gave up. I don't think I could do it anyway. I don't feel suicidal, I just feel empty. If anyone does read this, I promise I won't ever do something like that, I am to chicken to. I hate guns, am scared of knives, I hate pills, and I am a wimp. It's actually a good thing that I am not feeling that bad, because finding a way would actually be hard for me.

Maybe if I just read my bible and really listen in church tomorrow God will tell me something. That's all I'm asking is some sort of sign that this will change. It's time to go though. It is now 6AM and I am not tired at all. I have to be up at the latest 5hrs from now, but it will be at least 30minutes before my brain shuts down. I am going to stop though or I won't get any sleep at all and that will be a problem. I hope that nobody reads this, but if you do, ignore most of it. I am tired of bitching and whining to those who know me, so I vent in a place nobody looks. I will be ok, it just might take a little bit to get back.